Child-Like Faith

There comes a point in the lives of many Christians (though I dare say not all) when they enter a time of deep and profound questioning in regard to their faith. A time during which every value, every belief, every principle and every notion of truth is, often severely, challenged. For some such a period of testing and internal wrangling causes them to loose faith altogether; for others it strengthens it and increases their appetite for a deeper, a more meaningful understanding of God. In either instance the composition of one’s faith; the nature of the relationship between us and God is transformed forever.
I find myself, at this present time, in the midst of just such an infernal struggle and, whilst I cannot claim with any confidence to have yet emerged victorious from this period of doubt and confusion let alone to have even begun to fathom this eternal mystery that is God’s relationship to Man I, nevertheless, have learned much whilst walking, and sometimes stumbling, down this rocky path, that I sincerely hope can be a source of encouragement and help to others
Of late, I have found myself both questioning and, at times, genuinely doubting every facet; every aspect of my faith in Christ and all that I have lived believing to be right and true and infallible. In this time of what postmodern thinkers would doubtlessly label “soul searching,” nothing has been immune. From the very existence of God, to the authenticity of Scripture, the plausibility and necessity of salvation, the legitimacy of the Church and the value and logic of Christian doctrine.
It is both a blessing and a curse of ‘growing up’ that whilst one grows in wisdom, knowledge and understanding in some areas, in other sectors much is lost or else significantly diluted. Nowhere is this more apparent perhaps that in the world of academia; a labyrinth of human theory, philosophical insight, interpretations, expositions, arguments and so-called logic. In many ways it is all for the good; after all, if intelligence is God- given one should celebrate it, utilise it, expand it even. Mankind was not granted either physical or mental aptitude only to allow them to lie fallow. And yet perhaps a note of caution should be applied here also, not to take human wisdom too much to heart, however convincing and rational may first appear.
I look back, but a few years, to my late teens with what is fast becoming an aching sense of longing; of yearning for something now lost. God seemed so real back then; so present; so overwhelming. It is a tragic paradox, in many ways, that over the course of the past few years, through study, debate and evaluation I have grown more convinced than ever of the existence of God; of the reality of an external and divine Creator, even one with a paternal interest in His subjects. Yet, in spite of all this, a the personal relationship with an intimate and loving Father seems always just out of reach.
For those reading in alarm at my perilous state of salvation, be assured: I lack the faith to ever consider atheism as a possible option and agnosticism, for its part, would only lead me full circle and back to my current position! And so I find myself, perhaps stuck, perhaps secure, but in any case permanently rooted to the spot, calling, shouting, crying to the Heavens with little option but to wait for a response.
I recall, with almost a sense of disbelief, the enormity of the faith and the hunger for God that I experienced and lived by as a 18/19 year old and, in my more melancholy moment, desperately crave its return. Yet, simultaneously, I am made at once aware of the sharp learning curve I have been brought on since those years when all was viewed through a lense of black and white extremes and based upon largely unfounded and sweeping assertions. The world, it now appears, is composed of all manner of shades of grey, all is scarcely as it would first appear and for every apparently valid opinion there exists a thousand others of equal plausibility. At no other time is this brought into sharper focus than the moment one suddenly realises, with an almost sickening horror, that the principles and beliefs of one’s parents; those which have formed the bedrock of our upbringing through childhood, are, in fact, not infallible! Indeed, they may even be wrong! For many, a simple adaptation or re-evaluation of their parental inheritance is sufficient, for others a complete overhaul of it and, inevitably, all that lies in between.
It is, after all, that wonderful ‘child-like’ faith; that simple acceptance of truth; that inner peace and absolute certainty without the prerequisite of endless, and often pointless, argument followed by counter argument; the monotonous spiral of mindless objections. Precisely when and how this child-like (and notably not ‘childish’) faith of my younger youth left me (or, probably more accurately, when I left it) I cannot recall; only a knowledge that it is now absent, and I am the poorer for it.
All that said, I maintain it is good to search. Questioning, challenging oneself and exploring the, sometime unpalatable, depths of differing perspectives and human ideas is, for the most part, to be encouraged. We must however be wary. If we seek enlightenment, fulfilment or any genuine and lasting sense of peace and closure within the realms of human discourse and academic research, we will not find it. Indeed, while ever we look to ourselves for answers and a sense of purpose, our searching will yield more questions, further uncertainties and less clarity than it will to draw us any nearer to anything conclusive or definite. What is more, to place such a degree of faith in humanistic wisdom and knowledge is to entirely misunderstand wisdom and knowledge themselves. True wisdom and real knowledge, if they are to be found at all, will be without a person, not within. It was, very recently, upon this sudden realisation that a very welcome sense of peace began, slowly and gently to wash over me; lapping at first a little around my ankles and with unhurried serenity rising higher and higher, engulfing me in its calming presence. It didn’t alay the doubts, nor did it clarify the questions, it just settled upon me and, in the stillness and the silence, something about it said ‘its OK.’
I posses now more “knowledge”, more human understanding than at any other point in my life and yet I am certain of practically nothing. I know only this: the path to true wisdom, the beginning of real knowledge is Jesus Christ. He must be our starting point; He must be our bedrock of truth; His holy mountain must be the place we return to time after time, in weeping, in sorrow, in confusion and in doubt. When all other absolutes have failed us, when faith and certainty evade us, when logic baffles us, when evidence disproves us, when emotions stifle us, when all other conviction lies in tatters – return to Jesus. Only of this can I be sure. I pray for a return of the child-like faith once again and hope, with every fibre of my being, that it will one day come.

Verses to consider: 2 Corinthians 10:5 and Proverbs 1:7